The Diaries of Bakura
by Silver Sailor Ganymede
Summary: Ryou should never have allowed Bakura to keep a diary. Chaos and utter randomness ensues.
1. Entry One

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Gi Oh.

The Diaries of Bakura: keep out or I'll send you to the Shadow Realm!  
By Silver Sailor Ganymede

Entry One

I found this old relic in a junk shop in town today and decided to buy it – well I got Ryou to buy it for me, but that's beside the point. I have no idea why though. Still, it gives me an excuse to send people to the Shadow Realm, right? I bet Ryou will end up reading it, he's too nosy for his own good. The thing is that I don't want to send Ryou to the Shadow Realm; after all, whom would Marik and I prank then? Hmmm… maybe Kaiba, he's an arrognt prick and I swear he's in love with his brother. Or maybe the mutt… but then again maybe that's best to leave it up to Kaiba. Or maybe Anzu, her 'friendship is the light of the world and will save us all from disaster etcet-bloody-ra' speeches are so annoying: maybe we should just stick Anzu in a blender like we did to Ishizu's dog-rat-thing. No, wait, that was the cat; we shoved the rat-dog into the microwave. It went kaboom in there: it was kinda gross but really really funny. Needless to say that Ishizu didn't think so, damn woman!

But anyways, did I tell you the niftyest thing about this diary? (And if you're actually reading this then I shall be forced to send you to the Shadow Realm because, my dear **Ryoukins **your _know _you shouldn't go through my stuff. At least you should know by now after the 'accident' with the bear trap. You should have known it was there, and by the way I was using it to make roadkill). Anyway, it's cursed! At least that's what the old hag in the junk shop told me. **Insert evil laugh here**. Now I can unleash the curse and get rid of the damn Pharaoh, then Marik and I can rule the world and eat french-fries all day! And then Marik and I will destroy all the foolish mortals apart from Malik and get the Pharaoh and his brat to do our bidding. Maybe I won't kill Ryou though; he's so fun to annoy. And he looks like a girl (moreso than friendship girl or the mutt's sister: maybe even more than Mokuba, and he _really _looks like a girl!) And he drinks tea, which is funny because then I can add chilli to the sugar he puts into it and give him a hell of a fright.

Must go now, Ryou's made tacos and he says if I don't get down here now he'll be forced to spork me until I do. Since when has Ryou kept sporks? Al-bloody-right, I'm coming, jeez. I shall write more later… I wonder if Ryou's found his present yet.


	2. Entry Two

Entry Two

I don't think Ryou liked his present. All I did was buy him a dress - no, I stole a dress for him but whatever. Besides, he looks like a girl and it'd be nice to see him dressed as one. Maybe I'll force him into it when he's drunk, if we can ever get him drunk. That's a good idea actually because then I can take photos and blackmail him later... wait, I think I did that already... no, that was Kaiba and the mutt. That was classic because both of them still claim to hate each other and won't admit that they're gay. How could Kaiba _not _be gay? He just radiates… gayness, I dunno, something like that. He's worse than Ryou, because at least Ryou's cute. Did I just say that? Ergh, no, I'm loosing my evilness! Never mind. Hmmm, how to get Ryou into that dress…

I really do think he'd look completely nifty in a dress though: better than I did in one. If you ever try and shove me in another dress, Marik, I shall spork you to death by DSS (Demonic Shadow Sporkage!) Ah, I shouldn't have written that, should I? Shit! If Ryou finds this then… then I shall have to deny it like a…a… a thing that denies things a lot! **insret evil laugh** I will not be outdone by Truth or Dare games again!

It's lucky that today is Friday, thus meaning that tomorrow is Sunday, and Sunday is a day off! Hang on a minute… I got that wrong, didn't I? Well I failed English class, even if this isn't in English… But I have failed so far this year. I have an immense knowledge of English swear words though – to quote dear **Ryoukins** first thing in the morning 'This buggering kettle just spouted goddamn water all over my fucking hand!' He's not so innocent as you think. Still I'm not sure how you can have a 'buggering kettle', and I don't think I want to know what he meant by a 'fucking hand'. I'm interested by the 'goddamn water' though: I think it's evil water that's the opposite of holy water, though I still don't know why something sacred has to have holes in it. Can water even have holes in it? Ouch my head, this is so un-nifty! But I still want some goddamn water; it may help with our world domination plans. Maybe we could give the idiot Pharaoh some unholy water… hmmm… I shall write more tomorrow (or later today, it's two a.m) and give an update on my Sunday-scheming-time with Marik. I wonder if he knows what goddamn water is…


	3. Entry Three

Chapter three

Marik and I went to that place today. You know, the one **Ryoukins** banned me from because it had pills and shiny things there. Its not my fault I took half a packet of them, I thought they tasted nice. Well I told him they tasted nice even though they really didn't, but that's just how to piss him off. They tasted like window-cleaning stuff actually, and that's just about the un-niftyest thing ever. It said 'keep out of reach of children' on it but I'm not a child so I drank it anyway. **Ryoukins** told me it would cause memory loss, apparently, but I can't remember so it can't have. Anyway while we were in the nifty place I said something was nifty, and confused Marik, which isn't exactly hard. Then Marik called me Niftman and I called him Spiffboy because he likes the word spiffy. He also likes spliffs, but Malik doesn't let him have them any more: apparently he's insane enough already, but I think he could be a little more so. Anyway we ended up as Nifman and Spiffboy in our trusty Sporkmoblie fighting for crime against our completely unevil enemy 'The idiot Pharaoh' and his brat crew of do-gooders. I still can't see why we got so many strange looks when we were doing that though...

I asked Marik about the 'goddamn water' too: he has no idea either. He thinks it may be water from Ryou's 'buggering kettle'. We think that if we steal some 'goddamn water' from the 'buggering kettle' and make the Pharaoh drink it then he'll be unholy and evil, like us! Maybe we could turn him against his brat-crew before we kill him **insert-extremely-eeeeevil-laugh-here**. Then we could kill him. I still wanna be the one to stick Anzu in a blender though… So yes, we shall give the Pharaoh some 'goddamn water' on Monday. This is going to be brilliant. Now I've just gotta hope **Ryoukins** doesn't confiscate my pills again… 


	4. Entry Four

Four 

It worked! Mine and Marik's super-duper-utterly-brilliantly-evil-plan worked! We got him drunk: we got dear old **Ryoukins** completely and utterly pissed out of his skull! It was fucking hilarious! We got him utterly wasted then shoved him into that dress I bought him… and a pair of cat ears too. He makes a really pretty girl, and I actually mean that: like I said, he's prettier than Kaiba's toy… I mean his brother… who looks like his sister but is actually a guy.

I'm surprised Ryou didn't twig there was something wrong with the 'water' we gave him. Ah well, he never needs to find out that it was actually vodka, does he? **Insert-very-evil-laugh-here** It was brilliant but kinda scary; apparently he 'luffs me very much' and wants a threesome with me and Otogi. Okay then… I don't think I'll be giving him vodka again: he's not supposed to be a pervert… or a semme. Needless to say that Marik took a picture just as Ryou decided to shove his tongue down my throat. Then I nicked the camera off Marik but dear old Malik had made off with the film! If they try and blackmail me with those I shall burn them in a vat of oil and gouge their eyes out and… but I can't do that, who would help me torment Ryou?

Anyways I'm still kind of amazed how much of a bloody pervert my innocent little hikari is. He was going on about Otogi in bondage before he passed out. Oh well, at least he won't remember a thing when he wakes up… I hope. If he does then I'll blackmail him with the photos… that Malik has… and blackmail myself in the process. Okay maybe not. Maybe I'll just deny it. I'm getting very good at denying things; I have to be, seeing as I live with Mr. Spanish-Inquisition. I'm going to go blow up roadkill and get even more pissed: and hide this thing before Marik finds me with it. I don't want him finding this until I've figured out what the curse is. Weird… the walls are spinning. Meh, I need more vodka…


	5. Entry Five

Five

Who ever invented school was either a fucking psychopath or a sadist: and in a bad way! I mean I'm a sadist but I'm not that bad. Two words: gym class. One word: hangover. Gym class + hangover – completely un-nifty: I wanted to fucking_ kill_ something. Or someone. I think I prefer Ryou drunk; he's fun then, completely different to normal. Now he's acting like a twat again: and he says I'm one. Seriosuly though, he's a right stiff at the moment, whinging about a hangover that's probably next-to-non-existant: he called into school sick because of it… and I had to go in. I could kill him now, I really could. But a) I can't be arsed, b) I'm in school and he's at home so I can't, c) I want to get him drunk again and have some more fun and d) I think he's gonna kill me first if I'm not careful.

Basically gym class was majorly fucked and completely un-nifty. I put a snake in Kaiba's gym bag when he wasn't looking and he completely freaked out: he screamed like a girl damnit! Then he tripped backwards and landed on the mutt's lap, causing both of them to go red and start bickering. And they still won't admit that they're gay, jeez. Then Kaiba punched me: he needs a sense of humour transplant damnit! It was funny: I thought it was funny and so did Malik. Marik doesn't go to school coz they kicked him out for making something go kaboom in one of the scinece labs a few months ago: I think it was pretty, besides, he's a pyromaniac and it can't be helped. I wish I'd done it actually because then I wouldn't have to go to school. Ryou would have killed me but I think he's going to kill me now.

Anyways I'd better go back to why I'm stuck outside the Principal's office: in the middle of gym class the Pharaoh hit me in the face with a volleyball. Yes, we're playing volleyball, how shit is that? I mean since when have boys played volleyball… Anyway he hit me in the face so I hit it right back at him… or rather I hit him. It was funny seeing his nose break and blood spurt everywhere. Then the bloody teacher sent me up here. Wonderful as… as… a wonderful thing: I think they're going to suspend me now: that's not a bad thing, but I don't want **Ryoukins** being all pissy at me for getting kicked out… again. All we did last time was break that alarm thing. I mean sure it said 'do not push' on it but who gives a damn?

I'm gonna put this away now before the leader-of-the-communists summons me into his office and confiscates it. I hardly see how this is an offensive thingy though, but I don't wanna risk it. I'll write more later… if I survive.


	6. Entry Six

Six

Okay, I've survived but **Ryoukins** nearly killed me for it, just as I'd suspected. Well let's just say that Mr. Spanish-Inquisition gave me the third degree on why in the name of arse I was home so early. When I told him that it was a random day off he didn't believe me. Then when I told him the truth I got… the thirty-gazillionth degree on why I should be nice to people. So I told him to go fuck Otogi… and he went bright red. Hilarious. It's tempting to bring up what he did last night… maybe later. He began to snap like a crocodile at me, and that's when I ran off.

I'm now at the park near our house. I can't be arsed to go back now. I wanna set fire to something; Marik and I were for a while after I got here… we set fire to some lady's 'fur' coat, but it was fake fur so it went up in flames, it was so funny! But then Marik slunk off for his appointment with a shrink so I'm stuck here on my own. Well it's still amazingly better than being in school. Ergh my head hurts. Maybe I should go nick some more vodka from somewhere: perhaps my dear Russian friend will get rid of this hangover of mine. I still don't see why **Ryoukins** is being such a wuss though; it was only a lot of vodka, it could have been worse. Like mixed-mizer-marik's: those are what we called the cocktails Marik, Malik and I brewed up before: contained absynthe, vodka, rum, gin, martini, tia maria, red wine, white wine, champaigne, smirnoff, saki… just about every alcohol we could find/steal. Oh yeah, and window cleaner. That was when we were drinking window cleaner. Well Marik and I kinda mistook it for gin after a bit but whatever. Those things caused a hangover and a half… and made Malik violently sick, got Marik in a fairy outfit and me in a dress.

Why am I writing all this down? Do I want Ryou to blackmail me? Who gives a damn? I'm bored out of my skull. Meh, I'll go back to the house and face the Spanish inquistion: maybe I'll find out why he's got a crush on Otogi of all people. I'll write more when I find out.


	7. Entry Seven

Seven

He kicked me out! He bloody well kicked me out! All I did was tell him to go make out with his boyfriend **coughOtogicough**. Well I can't help it that he has a major(ly stupid and fun to poke fun at) crush on the guy now can I? But he kicked me out! He'll take me back soon enough. Anyway why am I jealous of Otogi? I mean he's just a pretty boy with a too-long-ponytail and really weird eyes right? And he has a different _girlfriend_ every week, i.e. he _isn't gay_. But then again Ryou looks like a girl so he might be in with a chance. I told him this just before he threw me out the door. It's so not fair, what's he got that I haven't?

Anyway now I'm at Marik and Malik's. Ishizu looked pretty damn peeved when I turned up of the doorstep and demanded to stay the night. I think it may have something to do with what we did to her rat-dog-thing but whatever. I still uphold that that was one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. I mean it went BANG when we shoved it in the microwave and then its guts went everywhere. It was brilliant! Marik thought it was hilarious too – heck so did Malik.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm in Marik's now, though not in Marik's room; I wouldn't go near there without permission if you payed me. I may be a tomb robber but I don't trust him not to have rigged his room so much that not even I could get in there without getting killed. He probably has every torture device known to man: I must admit that they're fun to play with though. Maybe we could shove Anzu in one of them before we put her in the blender; that would be even nifty-er than when we blew the rat-dog-thing up. Now I think about it, how would we shove Anzu in a blender in the first place? Maybe we could chop her into little pieces… but then she'd be dead. We need her alive when we put her in the blender; it's more fun that way. I know: we could get a supersized blender from somewhere! But where would we get a supersized blender? I'm sure we'll find somewhere in about… a week perhaps? Maybe less. That would be so nifty!

I'm going out now with Marik and Malik before Ishizu kills us: I think we should go set fire to whatever shit's lying around. Preferabley the Pharaoh's brat; I swear he has a complete Lolita-complex; his hikari only looks about ten! That would be cool, like seeing a Christmas tree go up in flames. That's always fun to do, you know, because it goes all firy and shiny and did I mention firy? FIRE! … I'm turning into Marik… Oh dear…

Anyway I shall write more about our escapades with fire later, if I can be arsed. Need to find somewhere to hide this… how about in Ishizu's room! They'll never find it there…


	8. Entry Eight

Eight

Well my hiding place worked; they haven't found this yet. Our fire-games were fun, even more fun than usual. Basically we went into town, got some aerosols, matches, gas and lighters. And some spary paint cans… and some cigarettes… and a rubber duck, but let's not go into that… Then we stalked oh-so-evilly down to the park to play with the little kiddies there: i.e. terrify them. It's fun to give children nightmares, very fun indeed. Ryou says it's stupid but what does he know? He didn't think that me putting a snake in Kaiba's gym bag was funny, jeez: my hikari is in dire need of a sense-of-humour transplant, or fuckloads of alcohol… maybe both. Yeah, both would be good.

Anyway scaring little kids was fun. We didn't even have to do much, just sit on the swings and give them the 'evil eye'. Of course some annoyed mother came over and thwacked me over the head with her handbag, but I was expecting that because it always happens to at least one of us. Marik thought it was hilarious: he fell of his swing backwards and landed flat on his arse on the floor, but maybe that had something to do with the amount of beer he'd drunk, I'm not sure. What else did we do to scare them? Oh yes, the evil laugh: I love my evil laugh, it's so… evil! Like my hair! I have evil hair you know: know why? Because I AM EVIL! And other than that it's because it sticks up at the front and makes me look like I have horns! The devil has horns too, apparently, but I think he'd be scared out of me. No, really! That's why no one let's me go to the Shadow Realm any more; they keep kicking me out; they're afraid I'll take over. Still I can't blame them; I'd be scared of me too! It's so fun to be an evil guy! **Insert fantabulously evil laugh here! **

That reminds me, I've started a book: yes, I'm writing a book! It's going to encompass all of mine and Marik's stupendously evil plans on how to rule the world and torture the hell out of people. And on how to build the world's biggest ever sculpture thingy out of sporks and gumballs: I personally can't wait to start work on that; it'll be so fun, nearly as fun as killing things. At least that's what the squirrels told Marik… but then again he'd been taking really shiny pills at the time so I don't know if the squirrels were telling him the truth or not…

And now to return this to it's hiding place; I don't think we want Ishizu finding out about any of our plans. Especially not our spork and gumball sculpture: who knows what she'd do if she found out our idea! I'll write more whenever I have something to write about… and hopefully Ishizu wont have found this by tomorrow. And besides, if she does she'll get a bear-trap round her hand. That should be fun to watch…


	9. Entry Nine

Nine

I've come to the conclusion that I hate women. No, seriously. I. HATE. WOMEN. Someone please tell me what the point of a woman is? I mean I seriosuly can't see one! Wanna know why? Well maybe a little background info might help a bit first. All the girls I know piss me off a LOT: they have no brians, are obsessed with friendship/complete sluts and are less pretty than most of the guys I know. For example: Mai. Complete slut; peroxide blonde; useless duelist (she cheats worse than I do!) Need I say more? The Mutt's sister: whines like a puppy (like her brother!), no brian, probably doesn't even know how to duel… and Honda's in 'love' with her and I think that just about says it all. Rebbeca, a.k.a The Brat: she's in love with the Pharaoh's Toy and is a complete… brat! When we're done with Anzu I think Rebbeca should be next on mine and Marik's list… Friendshipus Freakus, more commonly known as the common _Anzu_: most annoying creature in existance. Should. Be. Murdered. And. Stuffed. In. A. Blender! And don't get me started on Ishizu. Acutually _do _get me started on Ishizu! It's because of her I've realised women really are just useless… GAH!

Three words: she kicked me out. No, wait, that's four words, never mind. But she bloody kicked me out damnit! She nearly got her foot caught in the bear trap I shoved under her bed to stop her from reading my diary, so what, big deal, it was funny. Of course she didn't think it was funny. Women weren't blessed with a sense of humour – well, women, **Ryoukins** and Kaiba, but that explains itself really…

So yes, she kicked me out and handed me _this_! Luckily she told me she had more sense than to want to read it, especially if it involved me pining after Ryou. Me. Ryou. NO! However good he looks in a dress I am NOT pining after HIM. HE is probably pining after ME by now. I think I'll go back to Ryou's now… maybe he'll let me in if I buy him another dress…


	10. Entry Ten

Entry Ten

Ryou didn't like his dress. He let me back in… but threatened to chuck me out again if I ever tried to get him into that dress I bought him. Meh, I'll just have to wait until he's pissed out of his skull and _then _get him into the dress. That would be fun actually, I just think it would be a very, very bad idea to do it too soon; I don't wanna get kicked out _again_.

Spent the rest of the day writing down super-duper-utterly-evil plans on ruling the world so we could eat french-fries all day. Except I found out lately that Malik doesn't like french-fries so he's gonna have to eat… I dunno… something else? Meh, I'm booooooored. I just want to go and kill something, but noooo, I'm not allowed. Bloody hikari **growls**.

Oooh yeah! That's what I find out! I've figured out how to say an evil laugh rather than wiriting **insert-eeevil-laugh-here!** I can write **bweh**. It's like a nyah and a bwah and snerk (my classic sneer-smirk experssion) allmixed into one! **snerk** And why do I have all these evil expression-thigies? Because I'm niftyly-eviiiiil! **BwahbwahBWAH**.

I want to shove Ryou in a dress now though… I just don't want a complete lecture off him. Maybe I could try and get someone else into one, like Otogi. In fact speaking of Otogi maybe my next evil mission should be to tell him of dear **Ryoukins** perverted 'luff' for him. **bwah-in-extremus!** I am so gonna do that! **Bwahaha!** Okay, one sec, Ryou's coming in, gotta hide this…

… I WANT TO FUCKING KILL HIM! HE'S MAKING ME GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO etc.

I don't WANT to go to school! I REALLY don't want to. At all. Ever. FUCK! GAH! GRRR! This is the unniftyest thing EVER. **Growl** I wanna kill him NOW! Screw telling Otogi, maybe I'll spin a line to Friendshipus Freakus in a bit and tell her he's in love with _her_! **stabshimtodeathwithanextremelyrustyspork**. That's it, I'm going to kill something/one… or maybe I'll just go eat french-fries; that'll make everything better… I hope.


	11. Entry Eleven

Eleven

In. DIRE. Need. Of. A. Cigarette! Got it? That's how I felt all fucking day! Stressed out to the max' with no relaxents on my whatsoever. I still wanna kill him! In fact it would serve him right if in mauled and mutelated that pretty little body of his. Wanna know why I was so stressed out? SCHOOL! I fucking HATE him and I want to KILL him and I want to blow up the school/set it on fire/poison everyone there then make it go kaboom… you get the picture.

So now I'm sitting in the park with half a bottle of vodka left. I already drank the other half: god knows I needed it. And the cigarettes; I just worked my way through most of the packet. Owie! Ash on the hand, not nifty. Gods I love vodka: whoever invented the stuff should be GOD! Yes I love it and I love the world because it's so full of things to kill and… oooh shiney thing! **bweh!** The world's gone all spinny…

I love it when the world goes all spinny because then you can't see straight and you have an excuse if you trip over/hurt somone badly by 'accident/set something on fire etc. I mean seriously, why can't the world be spinny all the time? Ryou says the world is spinning and that's why we have day and night but I think he's lying. Ryou's always lying to me: maybe I should get him drunk again. Meh, I'm gonna go off and find Marik/Malik; we need some explosive stuff to make roadkill-meat-juice. Maybe Ishizu might think it's a health drink thing… Now _that _is a stupendously EVIL idea… Let's go terrify the annoying older sister of my partners in crime who kicked me out. Yes indeed, I need payback for having been kicked out of there the other day… it was only a bear-trap, jeez. … I want more vodka first though, it'll make it that much more fun…**bwehsnerkbweh**


	12. Entry Twelve

Twelve

Yesterday was fun. At least what I can remember was fun. I have these huge holes in my mem… mem… moemortisation or whatever that thing is called. It's the thing I killed off for a bit when I drank that stuff that said 'keep out of reach of children' on it… Yeah, you know what I'm on about even though I don't. I'm too evil to know what I'm on about **bweh**. In fact I dunno what I'm even _on _at the moment… the only thing I know is that my head is killing me. How fan-fucking-tastic.

Anyways back to yesterday… or at least I think it was yesterday, might not have been. But yeah, whenever it was it was fun. Went to Marik's then went out and played 'blow-up-the-dead-and-not-so-dead-furry-little-animals', which is always fun. Then we went around the neighbourhood setting random stuff on fire and chucking a few of the extra dead bodies into people's front gardens, which I love doing. Then we went back to Marik's house and played 'stuff-so-much-stuff-in-the-blender-that-it-goes-KABOOM!' That was fun because it really did go kaboom and Ishizu's pretty little kitchen was covered in blood and gore and eyeballs and fur and all the other sorts of stuff that Ishizu really hates.

What else did we do? Oh yeah, we… we… we did stuff. Oooh I remember now, we worked on our plans some more, you know, the plans to take over the world? Those are fun to work on. I think we should kill either the Pharoah, his brat or Friendshipus Freakus first, one of the three. Or maybe all of them, yay for mass murders! I'm in this sort of mood now, but then again when am I not? As for today, nothing has happened really, except for me being stuck in Hell for half the day before walking out at lunch time, meh. I would have gone to see Marik again but he's got an appointmet with his shrink yet again, so I'm here in the park instead. Well I'm off to have fun vandalising things, byebye.


	13. Entry Thirteen

Thirteen 

Holy shize. I swear to fish there is a god out there, and I also swear that she fucking hates me – and yes it must be a she because only a woman would be mad enough to dream up such a horrific punishment. But what's wrong in the first place I hear you ask? (And if you are reading this then bugger off because this is supposed to be a secret!) Well let me explain, if I can remember… but then again even alcohol and window cleaner won't get this out of my memory.

I came home from prison today and found Ryou already there, his face red and expression spacey as Mars. Then I looked closer and realised that he was _blushing_ and his eyes were so glazed over that they were making me hungry for doughnuts. And that was when I saw the bite-mark on his neck: okay, my turn to be asking him some questions, for example 'so have you finally fucked your pretty little boyrfriend yet'. To my surprise he just looked away from me, his face going redder than the pavement after Marik and I have been playing 'blow-up-roadkill'/'lets-make-some-roadkill' etc.

But this is so seriosuly un-nifty! He's fucking _Otogi_ damnit, and I don't just think that: I _know _it; I got it out of him after about ten minutes of questioning. But seriosuly _Otogi_, why _him_? Well I guess it could be worse – he could be screwing Friendshipus Freakus, but thankfully even he has more of a brain than that. But not enough brain to not screw Otogi. _What the hell does he see in that guy? _

Not that I'm jealous or anything. Huh, why would _I _be jealous of anything? Or anyone? I mean I'm _me_, _Bakura-the-supremely-evil-eater-of-french-fries-and-murderer-of-fluffy-little-animals_! Why would _I _be jealous of _him_?

… Okay fine, I'm jealous. Can I kill him now? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?


	14. Entry Fourteen

Fourteen

**insert-screams-of-complete-fury-here** I HATE HIM! I hate him I hate him I hate him! I mean I know that Ryoukins has lost his fucking brain because he's fucking Otogi, but that was fucking riddiculous even for him. Why did he do it? WHY? Okay, fine, maybe I ought to say what he did, but I swear to fish I wanna fucking KILL HIM… NOW!

Okay, I was enjoying a nice rest from my usual draining activities of killing things and playing videogames when he _barged _into my room and announced oh-so-cheerfully that we were going to the Pharaoh and the Pharaoh's brats place for a party with their 'friends', and I had to come along and – and here's the very worst most horrific and terrifying part of it – I had to be _nice _to everyone. Well he's never nice to any of _my _partners-in-chaos-making, but I have to be nice to his bloody friends!  
So there was me stuck in the Pharaoh's brats living room being bored outta my mind and having to listen to Friendshipus Freakus witter of about how she loves everyone and everthing: nymphomaniac much? It was beyond boring and Hell: it was just… ARGH! In the end I set fire to a bunch of thing and Ryou dragged me home, not that he really had to do any dragging. He was yelling at me all the way back for 'ruining his date'. Well why didn't he leave me at home then? The twat… I'm off to burn more stuff now, then I'm going to wherever and eating some frenchfries. Bye.


	15. Entry Fifteen

Fifteen

I hate school. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it! They took my book-of-plots-to-rule-the-world off me! And then, if that wasn't bad enough, I got yelled at by the teacher for most of lunchbreak and then they sent me to this room with the creepy lady for an hour after school when I could have been blowing stuff up and… stuff. Apparently torturing fluffy things is a bad thing to do: I never thought so but oh well. Also I'm apparently a 'clinically insane sadistic kleptomaniac' whatever that is. Oh well, what else is new? Nothing else, that's what: well except for the fact it just went past midnight and its now tomorrow, which is now today, so today is yesterday and… fuck my head kills.

Anyways did I tell you hot much I hate school? It is a pain in the neck: if I were masochistic at all I wouldn't care, but contrary to popular belief I'm not a sadomasochist, just a sadist. Hence what that 'coucill… counca… count dorkula or whatever in the name of fuck's arse she was called diagnosed me as.

I wonder whether a diagnosis is like a dinosaur: I dunno why but they sound the same to me: maybe its coz they both begin with a 'd', which looks kind of like a backwards b, but Bakura and dinosaur don't sound anything alike so meh. I'm confuzzled now; this is unnifty. Bakura wanna talk about himself in the other person (dunno the actual name thing for it cept it isn't 'I'). Bakura remembers now that Marik said to him that a Bakurasaurus or something was a type of dinosaur, but Marik is a nut. Baurka is bored… Bakura will go and drink some window cleaner. Byebye!


	16. Entry Sixteen

Chapter sixteen 

Talk about a nightmare. Usually I would love what they call nightmares – whoever they are, maybe they're the little jello-people Marik's always going on about –, but I have found my idea of a worst nightmare and it doesn't involve women or friendship or happy stuff, weirdly enough. Nope, my worst nightmare is none other than my dear old hikari. He's supposed to be the lightside? Yeah bloody right, he's worse than me: he's worse than a woman, damn him: but then again we all know he's gay. But still I've never seen anyone act as fucking moody as this; it's like he's contracted a male version of bloody PMS.

As for what happened to cause Ryou's crazyness? Apparently he caught Otogi screwing Honda and it really pissed him off; he's got enough sense to be through with that bloody manwhore. The one thing I'm miffed about is that Ryoukins slapped dice-boy's too-pretty face before I got the chance to. Meh, oh well, can't blame him. Still what I can blame him for is being pissed off and me and the others; I mean what have I done? I didn't tell Otogi to go screw around with two people, did I?

Well if it's not just that that's pissed him off then I think I know what's made Ryou become all dark, moody, bitchy etc. They say 'come to the dark side, we have cookies'. Maybe Ryou likes cookies; maybe I should get Ryou some oreos. Yeah, who doesn't like oreos? I shall go buy them not then report on my progress later! Hopefully this will stop him being so moody; if he gets any worse then he'll be worse then, I dunno: Kaiba? Brb - if I survive.


	17. Entry Seventeen

Chapter seventeen 

Remember how I said last time that it must be impossible for anyone to not like oreos? Well I guess Ryou must be impossible then; I gave him the box of cookies and the threw it right back at me, saying how it was 'alright for you to be bloody happy but I really am not and I can't stand it when you're taking the piss out of my hurt' or whatever it was. Bloody emo. Seriously I'm starting to think he is with all this 'oh woe is me' crap.

Anyways I left him sulking then took the oroes. I'm eating them myself now coz they're nice and cookieish, like cookie-dough icecream **drools**. I bet he thinks I stole them when, for once and against my better judgement, I bought them. Course I used Ryou's money coz I'm broke as that window was after Marik and I shoved a firework through it ages ago, but ah well. If he doesn't like it then tough bloody tomatos.

He's yelling at me now about twenty quid that's gone missing. I hate it when he uses British bloody terms for yen; I bet he still doesn't know how much £20 is worth in yen: I know I sure don't have a clue. I could always tell him I spent it all on cookies for him but I doubt he'll believe me. He's probably gonna find my new airgun sooner or later; hopefully later, I dunno. Can't he just shut up for once?


	18. Entry Eighteen

Eighteen

I've set a new record apparently. I've managed to drive the psychobullshitist so mad that's she's quit: and they've given up on me! Yay! Did I just say 'yay'? Ergh maybe I do need psychiatric help if I'm gonna end up saying that… Anyways yeah, she's quit. Then they told me I need professional psychiatric help that they just can't offer at the school – what else is new? In fact what _can _they offer at school other than pathetic excuses for… stuff?

Ryou looked exasperated when I told him; apparently I just exist to make his life a misery. I can't believe he took such a long time to figure that one out **insert le eyeroll here**. Still he's making my life a misery now and in a bad, bad way! I mean come on we need to get him to have some fun, seriously… hehe maybe it's nearly time to get him into a dress again… I shall try and get some work done plan 'get-Mr.-Misery-guts-wasted-and-into-a-dress' right away; god knows he's even making me pissed off.

I'm gonna go feed bicarbonate soda to the pigeons in the park; it should be fun. I'll write more later on.


	19. Entry Nineteen

Nineteen

And they say I need mental help! Compared to him I'm perfectly sane and that is bloody worrying! One minute he's pining over Otogi, the next thing I know I arrive home from blowing up pigeons and stuff and he's making out with someone on the couch. Now that in itself is a kinda worrying change, but the most terrifying thing is whom it was that he was fucking: none other than Friendshipus Freakus. He has no taste! I mean seriously, even Otogi was better than that… even bloody Ishizu would have been better and you know how well we get on **le eyeroll again**

Anyways to get off this disturbing topic I shall now recount my trip to the park where I met up with Marik. We then proceeded to feed bicarbonate soda to pigeons and small children, which was, as ever, fun. Well it was fun until some old woman came up and clouted Marik and me with her handbag, the bitch. Only a woman would disturb fun like that, no?

Still it was fucking hilarious watching the pigeons go bang! One exploded and the people near it got guts all over them! It was so cool; pigeon guts look like spaghetti, but according to Marik they taste more like snails than spaghetti. Don't ask how he knows what snails taste like – he probably just picked one up and ate it, I mean come on it is Marik we're on about!

So other than the horror of finding Ryou with that _thing _today was pretty good. We must commence our plan immedeatly now though…


	20. Entry Twenty

Twenty

Holy smoke this is weird. My plan to get Ryou wasted worked very well… but something happened that I really did _not _plan on happening. Let's just say I woke up this morning in Ryou's bed. With Ryou. And Otogi. I have no idea exactly what we did and quite frankly I don't want to know but what I do remember involves bondage and chocolate sauce. I don't think I need to remember any more, that's bad enough in itself… Well at first Ryou looked like he was about to kill me… then he glomped me and we ended up on the floor. It was pretty funny actually although his moodswings are really weird. He's like a woman I swear it, though now I know for certain that he most definitely isn't but whatever. Anyways there's nothing more to write now really. I need a hangover cure, badly. Where's the vodka? 


	21. Entry Twenty One

Twenty-One 

I'm beginning to think that the old bag in the junk shop was right; this thing is cursed, and I know what the curse is too: guess I found out the hard way huh? The curse is something like: and whoever lays hands on this diary will have bestowed upon them the worst luck unimaginable. Seriously Ryou's been torn between thanking me for hooking him back up with Otogi and yelling at me and telling me how pissed off he is that a) I slept with him and b) I got him to crossdress again. Course he'd forgotten about the first time so I got an earful for my saying that.

To be honest if my luck is this bad when I'm writing in this thing then I think I'll give up now. Ra knows this is by far the longest thing I, Bakura, have ever written – I mean come on I flunked writing classes. The only thing is that I no longer have an excuse to send anyone to the shadow realm if they read it… Actually I do seeing as they could read it even though I can no longer be arsed to write it. And I send people to le Shadow Realm anyways so yeah **evil snerk**.

I mean come on, look how bad my luck is – maybe I sould just give it to Marik, that'd be fun to watch… or the Pharaoh/his brat, coz that'd be even funner. Yeah, okay I hear you, I know funner isn't a word but… Hey, hang on a minute, who are you? Who are you, foolish mortal, and why are you reading my diary!

**sends scary reader to the Shadow Realm**

… why has it gone all silent?

le end of my crazy writings and (hopefully) bad luck also

... For now at least.


End file.
